


Please don’t say you love me / Tell me “don’t”

by batveins



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Mutual Pining, Spoilers maybe, set in s5/s6, slight angst, these bitches gay! good for them. good for them.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25516012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batveins/pseuds/batveins
Summary: Richard doesn’t think he deserves the love Jared gives him. Jared feels his love only does Richard harm.Based off of Mitski’s First Love / Late Spring and takes place late season five/early season six.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	Please don’t say you love me / Tell me “don’t”

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic i’ve written for silicon valley and the first i’ve written in like two years be nice to me LOL

It wasn’t easy without Jared. Richard thought it would be, after he became completely unavailable. “Emotional abstinence,” he called it. What a load of bullshit. He knew abandonment when he saw it, and after Jared had left the first time, Richard thought he had done a good job trying to show how much he really  _ did  _ need him in his life. And look how that worked out for him.

So now he’s gone. Left without a COO, a friend, a partner. Richard thought it would be a lot easier; no more subtle touches, no more Jared demanding he make Richard tea when he didn’t even like it all that much, no more “I love you Richard,” no more “You’re the captain of this ship and I would do anything,  _ anything _ , for you Richard.” Needless to say, he didn’t deserve any of it. He didn’t deserve Jared in general. Anybody could realize that. Except Jared, of course. Until, that is, he decided to walk away from Pied Piper -- to walk away from Richard. 

Richard sat in his office with his head in his hands, mentally replaying the scene of Jared leaving in his head. Timid Jared, with those big, soft blue eyes and shaky hands trying to hide behind a false cold exterior. Richard not knowing what to say, never knowing what to say, especially when Jared looked like he was on the verge of tears. Was he just putting on a show? Did he want to purposely make Richard feel guilty? Jared moving on from the company was best for both of them, right? Apparently Jared thought so. Richard, on the other hand, did not.

He thinks about Jared a lot. More than he should, probably. Maybe it’s to fill the void of his presence. That’s what Richard tells himself, anyways. He thinks about his slender body that made those ugly Patagonia vests look good. He thinks about how there was never a time where Jared’s hair wasn’t slicked back and neat, and how he wished he could see at least one strand misplaced just one time. He thinks about how Jared’s eyes looked like the color of the sky on a late spring day, and how they stood out against his pale skin. He thinks about how caring he was, how Jared would do anything for anyone and expect nothing in return. Of course, these were just thoughts that anyone could have. Jared deserved the world, and Richard didn’t deserve to be his world.

On second thought, maybe Richard was okay without Jared. As he’s mentally kicking himself in the ass for letting Jared walk out so easily, Richard’s mind drifts off to the first time Jared had confessed his love for Richard directly to Richard, something that he hadn’t seen coming at all.

_ It was a late night at the hostel, the team just having gotten done with saving Pied Piper from completely dying for the umpteenth time. Richard was exhausted and drinking whatever shitty liquor Erlich had just to make himself at least physically tired to get an hour or so of sleep. He sat alone in the kitchen, wallowing in his own anxiety and self-hatred that he let it all go to shit and had to have Dinesh and Gilfoyle back him up to save his company once again. Maybe it was the alcohol clouding his judgment, or maybe it was just Jared being Jared, but soon enough, he felt a familiar warmth by his side and a hand gingerly placed on his shoulder. Richard was suddenly pulled back into the real world, his tired eyes slowly coming up to meet Jared’s soft gaze as his lips pressed together and his throat went dry. They sat in silence before Richard finally said something. _

_ “I just… I don’t get it, Jared. How? How do I manage to fuck everything up? It doesn’t matter how good we do, how much money we have, what deals we make. It’s always on me. And then… and then I have to bust my ass trying to fix  _ my  _ mess. And I have to ask the guys to do the same. Everytime. When I could’ve just… left it how it was. Or just gone with the easier solution to the problem. Why do I do it? How the fuck am I just the world’s most useless CEO?”  _

_ “Richard,” Jared had started before being cut off by Richard raising his hand in a way that said ‘save the pep talk.’ Of course, Jared understood. He always did. _

_ “No, I…” Richard took a moment to think about what exactly he wanted to say. This was never his strong suit, especially when inebriated. Just look at where getting shitfaced got him when he accidentally told Erlich he could be on the Pied Piper board that one time. With that memory, Richard took another swig. “Why did you ever give up your job at Hooli, Jared? You were set for life there. Now you’re just… sitting here watching me run my company into the ground. And for what? What do you see in this that says, ‘oh, yeah! This was the best decision of my life!’ I just don’t get it.” _

_ “Richard, do you know how badly I was treated by Gavin?” Jared asked, his eyes showing the familiar sadness in them that they have when he dwells upon his past. It’s not noticeable to anyone besides Richard. After silence, he continues. _

_ “I left because I saw hope, Richard. You were the first beam of light shining on my very rainy life that I had seen in awhile. The way you ever so bravely declined the ten million from Gavin and decided to pursue your dreams… Gosh, Richard I…” Jared paused, his fingers brushing against his collarbone and resting on his heart the way they always did when he was talking about something he loved, “I knew that no matter what would happen with Pied Piper that I was destined to be a part of her crew. That I would do whatever it took for the good of the company… and for you. I guess that’s why I left, and why I love being a part of what will end up being history. It’s why I love you, Richard.” _

_ Richard suddenly didn’t feel so drunk anymore. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped slightly and came up just as quickly as he stared at Jared, his throat feeling sour. What the fuck was he supposed to say to that?  _

_ His words came out raspy and soft, just barely above a whisper. “What? Jared, um.... no. No. What? You… you can’t. What?” _

_ Jared had simply just laughed softly in response to Richard’s bewilderment, his hands settling in his lap as he looked down at them. “Of course I can. It’s alright if you don’t say it back, or feel the same. I just wanted to let you know that I love you, Richard. I have since I first saw you. I always will.” _

_ “No, Jared…” Richard croaked out. His chest felt tight and his heart felt like it was going to explode. What a way to get sobered up. “Please don’t say you love me. I… I don’t deserve that. Just don’t.” _

_ Jared looked up with the most heartbreaking expression Richard had ever seen. He thinks he feels his heart being ripped out of his chest and torn to shreds. No sooner, Jared gave his friend a soft smile and a nod. “If that’s what you’d prefer. Anything for you, Captain.” _

_ “I, no, um,” Richard stammered. His throat was getting tight as he stood up abruptly, accidentally knocking the chair over and not even bothering to pick it up. He couldn’t breathe. Who the fuck was Jared to say that so easily, like it didn’t matter? “I… going. I gotta go, I mean. Yeah. Um, goodnight, Jared.” _

_ If Jared had said anything else, Richard didn’t hear it. The rest of the night, Richard spent curled up in his bunk bed, all signs of tiredness he had felt thrown right out of the window. All that was on his mind for the very first time was Jared. Jared, Jared, Jared. _

Richard lifted his head up and sighed, his hands scrubbing at his eyes to wipe away the tears that had formed in the corners. Tears? That wasn’t right. No, he was fine without Jared. Wasn’t he? He tried to carry on with the rest of his day and go about his business, but it seemed every little thing he came across reminded him of Jared. The stack of paperwork that he had to get through that was still left over from Jared’s time at Pied Piper. The mug Jared would always put his tea in. The gluten free vegan muffins that kept being brought fresh to the kitchen that Richard just couldn’t bring himself to say no to. It was all too much. 

The day was soon finished, and Richard walked out to order an Uber back home. He missed his car rides with Jared back to his condo.  _ Shut up _ , he mentally scolded himself.  _ I’m fine, everything is fine, I don’t need him.  _ He got in the Uber and sat in silence after greeting his driver, mindlessly scrolling through his phone to keep his mind off of Jared. As the driver parked the car, Richard got out and walked to his door… no, Jared’s door. Why was he at Jared’s condo? Richard exhaled shakily, his fingers going up to run anxiously through his messy hair. Why the fuck did he come here? There was seriously something wrong with him today. This wasn’t right.

Suddenly, he heard a soft, familiar voice from behind him as he stared at Jared’s door. 

“Richard…?” 

Richard spun around so fast he gave himself whiplash, immediately feeling sick to his stomach. No, this wasn’t happening. Why did he fuck up again? Jared didn’t want to see him, right? Why did he even come here in the first place?

“Hey, uh. Jared. I think we need to talk.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this follow me on twitter @ taiiyhail! feedback is also greatly appreciated :)


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